Eco Whipping

Jakarta’s citizens continue to commit daily crimes against the environment. Despair not though, because a radical new movement called Eco Whipping has arrived and it aims to promote 12 good eco-education practices, whilst at the same time doling out grievous eco-consequences to those who continue to turn a blind eye to the health of the planet.

Using too many plastic bags. Bring your own bag or, alternatively, don’t use a bag at all! Those caught using too many plastic bags will be made to suffer the punishment of putting one over their head for an hour a day. Finding it hard to breathe in there? Get used to it because that’s how we will all soon be feeling.

Not composting. Anyone who lives in a house can compost. Just prepare a little bucket in which you can put discarded skins, rinds, seeds, pulp and paper. Empty the bucket daily into a barrel outside and mix with leaves. The punishment for not composting is that you must eat EVERYTHING organic that leaves your kitchen as waste.

Always driving (or being driven). Remember what it once felt like to walk, ride a bike or even use public transportation? Well you can recreate those days by abandoning your car once a week and then gradually increase the frequency. Don’t tell me it can’t be done in Jakarta because it can be – even by bules (Westerners). Those that refuse must put a giant bumper sticker on their company car which says, “I kill baby birds for pleasure.”

Not using condoms. Having too many children is irresponsible. More people means more demands are placed on our ecosystem. Those caught having unplanned children will be forced to keep ice cubes in their undies at all times, to ensure that they cool off.

Watching TV. TV makes you stupid and therefore easy prey for the marketing mongrels aiming to get you to buy cheap rubbish from China that you don’t need. Those who can’t stop watching TV must now hump it around everywhere they go. Let’s see if you really can’t live without your tube!
Smoking. Smokers throw their butts everywhere, killing baby birds. They also smoke wherever the hell they want to, killing innocent bystanders, friends, loved ones and more baby birds! Those that refuse to stop smoking will be forced to eat one cigarette for every one that they smoke.

Buying imported food.  Buying too much food that has been imported from abroad uses precious oil in the transportation stage. If you won’t buy local, then the punishment is that you must keep the packaging from all imported goods and store it in your closet (unwashed and unrinsed), thus attracting worms and cockroaches that will eventually poop on your toothbrush.